Mother’s Day Special

This year I am getting my Mother’s Day gift for mom early – instead of the usual last minute tap dance in Walgreens trying to find something that doesn’t look like… it came from Walgreens.

I’m being snail mailed no shortage of ideas! I can’t believe all the crap I get in my mailbox on a regular basis, and now that Mother’s Day is approaching – it’s even worse. All that paper! Every day a tree arrives in my mailbox.

Today was especially obnoxious. Every piece of mail has “Don’t Forget Mother’s Day” or some derivative of that on it. I decided it would be fun to list what I received in my mailbox for just ONE DAY. Here’s one day’s contents:

1. A magazine from Publix called “Grape”: It’s all about wine and very informative. Too informative. Me? I’m just looking for a buzz under ten bucks. Mom doesn’t drink. Next.

2. A K-mart flyer featuring, “a genuine cultured freshwater pearl necklace, bracelet and earring sets for $19.99.” Yup. When I think fine jewelry, I think K-mart. Next.

3. A flyer from Winn-Dixie: What caught my eye? Mother’s Day Dinner: Kendall-Jackson Vintner’s Reserve for $9.99. Whoa! Cool. See #1. Also, pork chitterlings for $6.99 a tub. What’s a chitterling? Sounds like a small talkative bird. A pork-bird? Hey, I guess the time has come when pigs fly! I gotta get in the loop. Next.

4. A flyer from Albertson’s: What caught my eye? A “buy one, get one free!” offer from Hellman’s for Easy Out Mayo. Do they mean from the container or your butt? The pages of this flyer are very annoying; there’s a 3-inch fold-over flap on one side. And the rest of the flyer is long and skinny. What am I – King Arthur’s servant reading a scroll, for chrissakes? Hear ye, hear ye, get a normal flyer! Next.

5. Get Mom the gift of exercise! A flyer for Bowflex: The exercise machine that you’ll never use once you buy it! In the ad, there’s a picture of a sorta buff, bald guy wearing sunglasses, named Michael Polinko. He’s playing an electric guitar. He claims, “I’m Michael Polinko and this is a REAL BOWFLEX body!” First of all – who the phuck is Michael Polinko? And what do we care? It’s our fat ass we care about – not his! Polinko claims, “I can get on stage with a crowd of people, take off my shirt and feel great about myself.” Yeah? After 6 vodkas, so can I. Next.

6. The EWTN (Eternal World Television Network) catalogue. You know, from the show with Mother Angelica – the nun who looks like Hitler’s handmaiden? I can’t even begin to describe the many wondrous Jesus inspired gifts in this collection. I personally like the Jesus watch, so when you say, “Christ! What time is it?” you’ll always know. God bless. Next.

7. The Flyer: That’s the name of it. You know the one you always get with the same rug cleaning, window blinds, and driveway paving ads? The one you use to line the bird cage. Next.

8.ANOTHER Victoria’s Secret catalogue, which I have received every single day for the past week because I ordered something from them in 1995. My Mom thinks this is a soft porn mag anyway. Actually, so do I. Next.

9. An offer to get Mom a BJ’s membership. Here’s the deal- I’m just not joining anything called BJ’s. And I’m not explaining that to my Mother! Next.

10. Buy Mom a home! A “Condos for Sale!” postcard by another desperate Realtor. Own for only $500 down! $900 a month! $0 closing! Right on scenic Dixie Highway. Near the tracks. Nothing says “home ownership” like hearing the howl of a locomotive at 2 a.m. Next.

11. A rejection notice from my bank saying I can’t negotiate with them for a lower rate on my home equity loan because of “insufficient equity relative to the value of the collateral.” Thank you, Florida real estate market and suck bag economy. (This is actually the best gift idea because now I’ve decided NOT to pay my mortgage so I can qualify for a re-fi – hence giving me more money for a gift!)

And that’s the View from this Gift Giving Broad.

Anna Collins will be doing a standup comedy show at Trattoria Bella Cibo restaurant on May 19 with comedians Jamie Porter and Carl Guerra. Go here for ticket info: www.AnnaCollins.com