I’m sick of all these dating services that purport to find you the “perfect mate” – and all you have to do is fill out an 8,000 page questionnaire or pay them hundreds of bucks a year to be thrown in with all the other humps in a veritable candy store of people. People that you can just pass over on a superficial whim. Don’t like her eyes? Next. Not interested in sports? Next. Bulge in her pants seem suspicious when she claims to be a woman? So next! All these things, with the exception of the last one, are an exercise in futility when choosing a potential mate.
A real mate, a soul mate, should be selected by mutual dysfunction. I’m surprised nobody has cashed in on that yet. It’s about as obvious as Newt Gingrich’s appeal to turn even a Dominican nun into a serial killer of Republicans.
Dysfunctional dating. It’s right there people – ripe for the offering. All the damaged, issue-ridden, fetish having, perversion loving, lying, cheating people are just being tossed aside when they’re a fertile and profitable commodity!
Say you’re a Plushophile, or a “Plushie” (i.e. an adult enthusiast of stuffed toys, you may or may not have sex with. Oh get real! You’re arehaving sex with the Flamingo Beanie Baby!). How would that ever come up on a “normal” date? It wouldn’t.
Buuuuut on a date from Dysfunction Junction™ is another story. Let’s check in on Jack and Anita on their first Dysfunction Junction™ date:
Jack: Hi, I’m Jack Soffalot. Nice to meet you. My last girlfriend was a Steiff teddy bear I found on a business trip to Stuttgart. Eventually we broke up for obvious reasons – I’m Jewish, she was German.
Anita: Hi Jack. I’m Anita Bohn, and I know what you mean. I was dating the stuffed version of Geoffrey, the Toys R Us giraffe. I met him at the store.
Jack: Did you ask him if he was a neckcrophiliac?
Anita: Ha! I like that. Geoff would have never gotten the reference, and he was so one dimensional. I like going places, doing things! He liked aisle 5. I’m like, “Dude, you lived here all your life. Expand your horizons! At least into the parking lot.” We dated for a few months but I always got the feeling he looked down on me. So now, I have a lion costume I wear…
Jack: No way! I have a lion costume, too! How does Saturday night, eight o’clock at my place sound?
Anita: GRRRREAT! I’ll bring the raw meat!
Jack and Anita: THANK YOU Dysfunction Junction™!
Now suppose you have commitment issues, and seriously, don’t we all? Man, if people knew what we were really thinking – no one would come within three feet of us – let alone commit. But I psychologically digress.
Picture if you will, a first date with two commitaphobes at a fast food restaurant. (Fast food, because they’re able to get the hell out quickly.)
Barb: Hi I’m Barb Dwyer - and don’t expect me to stay too long – I have things to do!
Lou: No problem! I’m Lou Pole. And just because we met here today doesn’t mean we have to make this a regular thing.
Barb: You got that right. So what do you like to do?
Lou: Well, I like boating, fishing, cooking, photography – but only for about 15- 20 minutes at a clip. I don’t want anything monopolizing my time.
Barb: Exactly. What are you looking for in a relationship?
Lou: Basically someone that will expect nothing from me, ask no questions, and give me lots of space.
Barb: Me too! How about we get together this weekend and ignore each other?
Lou: Perfect! Wow – I know this sounds crazy – but you may actually be “the one.”
Barb: I feel it too! Let’s never meet again! I love you!
Lou: I love you! Goodbye.
Barb and Lou: THANK YOU Dysfunction Junction™!
And really, aren’t dysfunctions so much more interesting than “normal” traits? I predict that Dysfunction Junction™ will have the “Normies” lurking and signing up, just like the shikses do on J-Date, trying to snag a rich Jewish guy. Little do they know, a lot of Jews are lying about their incomes, professions – and hair pieces – so it serves everyone right! Which brings us to…
What a fabulous date that would be! Of course it would probably never get past the initial meeting. But liars thrive on sayingthe lies – so why not? Let’s see what dishonest dialogue Skip and Lola are engaging in. They meet at an expensive bar.
Skip: Hello. You must be Lola. I’m Skip. Sorry I’m late – the valet was finding a safe place to park my Bentley.
Lola: No problem, Skip. I just got here myself – my maid was late getting my Valentino back from the cleaners. Plus it takes so long sometimes for the elevator to reach the penthouse. And I know what you mean about the valet – god! The act like they’ve never seen a Lamborghini before. The “oos” and “ahhhs” took about five minutes before they actually parked it.
Skip: Ah, the proletariat. What can you do?
Lola: So what do you do?
Skip: I own a stock firm, an oil company, and a small country.
Lola: Really? What country?
Skip: It’s a petite land mass near the top of the Horn of Africa – the part that makes the most sound. It’s called Boolcrahpia. My country specializes in helping our monarchy invest millions in American banks by sending out mass emails to strangers and asking them for their bank account numbers, which we then fill with millions of dollars simply because we like them and they were lucky enough to be chosen.
Lola: I got one of those emails! Great to meet you.
Skip: And what do you do?
Lola: I’m a Pulitzer prize-winning designer.
Skip: Pulitzer gives prizes for designing?
Lola: Lilly Pulitzer. I created her tennis skort. You know - from the front you look like you’re a big – albeit rich – ‘ho, wearing a really short skirt with no panties. Then you turn around and – GOTCHA! Shorts!
Skip: Yeah, I always hated those. Hey, let’s blow this place and continue this conversation in Paris. We’ll fly over on my private jet.
Lola: Oui, oui! Speaking of…lemme just use the ladies’ room first.
At this point Lola heads towards the ladies’ room but at the last minute diverts and ducks out the back door. As soon as Lola’s back is turned, Skip runs out the front and jumps into his 1985 Toyota Corolla with the missing fender, that’s parked across the street in a no parking zone. Both lied their heads off. The evening was a success.
So next time you think of finding a perfect date or that special someone – why not try Dysfunction Junction™? Oh, wait! It hasn’t been invented yet. Damn. Always a catch. (But I thought of it first and put that little trademark sign on it – so if you’re thinking of stealing it, I’ll be checking your profile at Litigation Nation.)
And that’s The I Think I’ll Just Stay Single View from this Broad.