| Follow us on: |    |
So I’m
moving and the thing I hate most in life is moving. I’m a bad
mover. I wait until the last minute and then lament about how I
have no time to move.
As I was packing my things I came across some of my old comedy notebooks. I used type everything and then put it all in a 3-ring binder. The earliest notebook I found was from June 1984 - typed on my IBM Selectric with the courier ball head, all nice, neat and organized. Then 1985 came and I...
There are
just too many choices in everyday life. From the minute you wake up
in the morning until you plunk yourself spent, into bed at night,
it’s decide, decide, decide. I get exhausted just thinking about
it.
For instance, on a typical day – I’ll wake up and right away the choices begin. Do I watch a DVR’d Mad Men while I drink my morning coffee? (A little shot of Don Draper is always a good way to start the day.)
Or…do I watch the news and be...
All right,
let’s get past the PC and BS – ASAP, and tell it like it is –
there are far too many weirdos around. And I don’t mean just
the garden-variety sociopaths and head cases that walk down the
street mumbling about how aliens are among us and are stealing our
laundry. I’m talking about the “out there” kind of weirdos – the
kind that would make Norman Bates raise an
eyebrow.
One of the best places to see a pageantry of nut bags is in Publix. Any Publix. Instead of “Where Shopping is a Pleasure”, their slogan should be “Where Shopping is a...
South Florida is such a great mix of
different ethnicities, cultures and backgrounds.
Like many people, I’m from a diversely ethnic background and growing up I’ve had an array of “colorful relatives” that were all contributing factors to my somewhat off beat persona. I suspected this even before it was pointed out to me in therapy – which didn’t last long. Really, why pay some shrink $100 an hour to explain your personality disorders? Just go to your family reunion and look around.
I am a mixed breed. My mom is from...
Well, it’s that annoying,
dumbass, inconvenient time again. Time to change the clocks. Spring
forward, fall behind. Isn’t that a clever, cutesy saying? How about
this cutesy saying: Leave our goddamn clocks alone! Daylight Saving
Time? How about saving some real time and just chucking this whole
stupid idea?
For the past week, all I’ve heard is: “Now when do we change the clocks? Do I change them the night before you’re supposed to, or on the actual day? Oh, I can never remember!” Neither can I.
Do you know Daylight Saving Time, for the U.S...
Every so
often, if I really feel compelled to rant, I’ll devote one of my
columns to the excruciating differences between men and women. This
is one of those times.
Let me say there’s nothing worse for a gal than meeting a guy you really like and then waiting for him to call. Ugh! I’d rather pay for something without a coupon at Bed, Bath & Beyond. And believe me that would be mucho suffering for a miser, er, cost conscious shopper such as me.
Women may call the shots in sex – but men hold the cards on the phone calls. (Isn’t it interesting how the angst and subliminal torture is so evenly distributed between the sexes?)
In
honor of Valentine’s Day, I decided to use the title of one of my
books for the title of this column, since it perfectly illustrates
the differences between men and women. In truth, to truly
understand and appreciate the differences between the sexes, you
either need years of psycho-therapy or numerous Margaritas. Even
then it’s iffy. Men will never understand women, and women will
never understand men, and that’s the one thing men and women will
never understand. But once you accept that, then you understand.
Understand? This frees you to move on to more important issues such
as when the next season of American Dad starts or if I will ever
learn that...
Clara,
Jean and Joan
Have you seen the latest in ‘Eyebrow Couture’? Eyebrows have
gone the way of the chubby caterpillar. I find it completely
fascinating the attention people give to eyebrows. Why? They seem
to me as significant as ear lobes – as long as you have a pair
you’re all right. As we usher in the New Year, eyebrows have become
(again) an obsession in literally, a big way.
The eyebrow, like other flakey fashion fads...
Christmas
KirkMany people are currently out of their minds
because “It’s the holidays!” Everyone’s stressed and dashing about,
hither, tither and yon - running around like nut bags. My brother
said: “Anna, nut bags can’t run around – they can only
hang around.” But technicalities aside, I take a different
approach. The whole year I exercise, eat right, keep my roots done
and in general, try to stave off the advancing years and
ever-lurking extra pounds. But there must be some reward for all
that sacrifice, besides looking like I just stepped off
the...
patent
tipped shoes
I made it to opening night at Art Basel. And although I am an
enthusiastic art lover – I’m afraid some of the exhibits were lost
on me. Like the two wet vacs encased in transparent show cases.
Yes, wet vacs. The kind you do chores with? I don’t like looking at
those bastards in real life – let alone at an allegedly haute
culture world class art show. Or the multicolored-colored
balloonish-looking human brain sculptures strategically, yet
randomly, placed on the floor. Such scenarios bring me to the
council...
The
Elves So I
recently ran a 5K for the first time and I came in 11th in my
division! Eleventh, thank you very much. Okay, out of 24 – but
still. And granted, I had to scroll way down past the 20, 30 and 40
year olds on the website to see my division – but hey! I ran the
race and placed decently which I figure is good for a first time
5K-er. Actually, I figure not screaming “What the f*ck was I
thinking!” half way through – was awesome.
Not that I didn’t prepare. My excellent friend Kelley (of the beef jerky...
Bone suckin' beef
jerky pieces I have
recently become lovingly reacquainted with Beef Jerky. I know it
sounds low brow and one notch above a Slim Jim, and truly it is -
but I’ll tell you – it’s finger lickin’ good. And I feel like a
wild animal eating it – which has a certain kind of charm. You have
to smack and chew and really work those molars to break down its
sinewy texture. Can you say CAR-NI-VORE?
My excellent friend, Kelley, turned me back on to it. I used to eat beef jerky years ago when I was a kid. I don’t know why – but I did. I used to eat Slim Jims too – until I was old enough to read labels. Jerky and “Jims” I...
In honor of
the upcoming Halloween holiday, I thought it suitable to give a
blood curdling nod to the definitive magazine for the discerning
vampire - Vampire Digest. Its founder and (still)
Editor-in-Chief, Vlad the Impaler, has given me an exclusive
interview and a peek into the upcoming Special Halloween
Issue – sold after midnight starting October first.
In This Issue: (a few excerpts)
THE NECK & FANG CLUB hosts THE SoBe 2012 BLOOD FROM
AROUND THE WORD FESTIVAL
The long awaited SoBe BFATWF is hosted again this year by Miami’s
own Neck & Fang Club and sponsored by Vampire Digest. An
upscale favorite with Miami vampires, the Neck & Fang keeps its
location secret to mortals and an exclusive membership costs
upwards of $25,000. But, as they say...
Anna
Collins There’s a
new book coming out called “Vagina: A New Biography” by Naomi Wolf
(Ecco / 400 pages / $27.99 ). I haven’t read it, but I love the
title. I did read a review about it though, in the Los Angeles
Times online (9/12/12) and apparently Ms. Wolf was inspired to
write this book after injuring her pelvic nerve. (I once injured my
sphincter but it prompted no literary masterpiece. Damn my lazy
muse!)
So, at the doctor’s office (or through her own vaginal research)
Ms. Wolf saw a medical illustration with a bunch of nerves
branching out wildly to all the erotic zones around the...
It’s finally
here! The magazine for all the mindless trend following, status
conscious, herd mentality, vapid masses that seem to be overtaking
modern culture. Say hello to Avant Douche, the go-to source for the
painfully clueless and delusionally hip. Let’s take a look at some
excerpts from the Premiere Issue.
Excerpts:
DUMB IS THE NEW SMART! – O yez it is! You don’t have to be educated, know how to spell, or be good at math anymore to succeed in life. You just have to be – you guessed it – dumb. In case you didn’t know – dumb is all the rage! Just look at all the TV shows that are like – totally dumb. There’s Hillbilly Hand Fishin’, Jersey Shore, and the dumbest of...
The
Nervous Guy It’s
interesting, when you're at the airport, to observe the different
types of people as they hang out waiting for their flight. After
months of research and copious note-taking, I've come up with some
definitive types you're most likely to find in every airport.
The Bundle of Nerves: Usually a corporate type, this
traveler nervously paces around the gate area. He keeps looking out
the window to see if the plane arrived yet. He'll sit down. Stand
up. Make about a gazillion calls. Check the monitors. Check the
window again. Life is just too nerve racking for this guy and
he...
She’s been
called everything from Milton Berle in drag (Auntie Milty?) to
Herman Munster (not in drag). If you haven’t seen the new reality
show Big Ang – starring Angela “Big Ang” Raiola - that
premiered on July 8, on Vh1 - then you must! It takes bizarre and
boobs to a whole new level. At first you’re like what is
this? Then BOOM! You’re addicted.
Big Ang, the show’s namesake, is the break-out star from the other reality show Mob Wives. Bigger than life, Botoxed, huge (I mean HUGE) breasted, big-lipped and brash, Big Ang is like a runaway train – with a 24/7 cocktail car. But ya gotta love her. In fact, that’s her catch phrase, “Everybody loves me!” If nothing else, she’s brutally honest, unapologetic and...
Okay I’ve
tried it all – yoga, Pilates, self-talk, connecting with my higher
self (I just ended up getting high) but I still can’t seem to
ignore the people on the road that send me into ROAD
RAGE.
Let’s start with the arrogant BMW drivers. And if you’re a BMW driver and you’re offended – tough shit. My statements are based on field research, a team of Swiss scientists with pointers, flow charts, and one guy with a light on his head. Plus I’ve been driving down here for over 30 years. And that counts for something. So no whining. (Disclaimer: My Editor and Publisher are always exempt from my rants. I know them to be intelligent, rational human beings who would never act in anything but...
I am sick
and tired of paying $50 every time I have my hair cut. My hairstyle
is a blunt, shoulder-length, straight-across cut. That’s it. I look
like many other blondes in South Florida. I know it and I don’t
care. I figure my mind’s unique enough – l don’t need my hair
looking like it’s from an episode of Star Trek.
Oh, I’ve tried some of those fancy dos; the “Wedge”, which makes
you look like your head is a pie slice. The “Asymmetrical Look” –
long on one side, short on the other. I kept feeling like I was
having a stroke on one side. Plus, too Barbra Streisand, circa
1960. I’ll leave that one to the drag queens.
I even had my haired permed at one time, which was great until it
started growing out
On a budget?
Looking for something that’s entertaining, fun, even perhaps –
sidesplitting? Well look no further – you are your own source of
continuous entertainment!
You know how we all have that inner dialogue going all the time? Yes, you do. Just listen. Like right now, you might be thinking: What inner dialogue? Well, that’s it. The stuff you say to yourself in your head, but don’t externalize because it’s unnecessary or if verbalized, might get you punched in the face.
It’s amazing the stuff we talk about in our heads that we just fluff off as “normal”. For instance...